Today I am not feeling very thankful. So in an exercise of self-discipline and mild reprimand, I feel the need to make a list of all of the things I have to be excited about in life right now. The overshadowing disappointment of yet another rejection for my Adorable Husband after making it THISCLOSE to being hired, seems to be consuming a day full of sunshine and hope and possibility. This can not be. Josh will get a job offer when the job is right, and until then, knowing he has done absolutely everything within his power is more than enough for me. I can not help but stand in admiration of his tenacity and perseverance in spite of the boot-in-the-gut-rejections he has received countless times. He is a strong man - even if he whines a little. I love him.
So Josh tops my list of things to be Thankful for. That I found a man who can endure not only my insanity and that of my four hormone-laden daughters, but has jumped feet-first into selflessly supporting and directing our collective life, is immeasurable. For myself, personally, I think the man is truly crazy, but I am endlessly grateful for his brand of insanity. Finally, I am not alone. I am not unloved. I belong. I know, and I am known by someone of my own choosing that is a good man. I have my best friend by my side at all times, except when he leaves me for work, which I usually give him no end of trouble about. I am thankful that he takes my trouble, and at least pretends to love me anyway.
I am also thankful for small, precious, warm and fuzzy things. Like the newest Weston, Dagny, who has already claimed her perch on the back of our couch as if she was there from the very first. Also she gives very good daschund kisses. In addition to the puppy, Punch Brother's rendition of O Come O Come Immanuel on Holidays Rule is another warm and fuzzy thing I am thankful for.
I am NOT thankful for the relatively immense amount of pain I have been in for the last few days, except that it gives me a much greater appreciation for this day that I have to spend puttering around the house, a few hours of not sucking it up and brave-facing at work or in public, when all I really want is what I have right now. Jammies and a couch with a fuzzy wiener dog. Oh yeah, and coffee.
I am SO thankful for this big, slightly dated house that we live in. I have never been a fan of split level houses, because I believe in walking right into the beating heart of a living room, and not a tiny entry way that forces the immediate decision between up (social) or down (privacy) without granting a glimpse into either option first. Also, it is difficult to cram all six members of any given visiting family into the entry way, so they are shuffled, single file, up the stairs, like the greeting line at a stoic wedding. I don't love that. But I love the space we have. The big windows. The Emmy stained carpet. Ok, not the carpet. But I like that I have a hideaway cave downstairs that I have no qualms about banishing children from, and a big deck where one could smoke a lazy clove cigarette if one had the inclination. I love the orangy-golden leaves in the yard, and the silly rabbit calling out from his hutch to be set free to run and flip somersaults in the corners.
I am thankful that this week, we didn't forget either dance class (Monday squeaked in just barely). I am thankful that I got to work almost 40 hours, which means I made almost enough to pay for a bag of Truck's food. I am thankful that the election is behind us, and trust that the result is whatever our great nation needed. I am thankful that we have work, even if we don't have "jobs", and we've never gone without. I am thankful for the peace in knowing that our worries are as trivial as health insurance and retirement, and which jeans to wear today, and not what we will eat, where we will live, or who we must fear. I am so thankful that we do not know suffering, in it's most real sense. I am thankful that my kids are spoiled, even though their behavior is sometimes kind of shameful, and that they have almost every opportunity imaginable. While I have no delusions about the years down the road when my parenting failures will be highlighted for me even more brightly than they are now, I know that I know that my kids have had it pretty damn good, in spite of me. I am thankful that the people I love are safe, are well. I am thankful that my sister is cleaning a house full of puke, and my kids are all successfully puke-bowl trained (don't worry, Em - just a few more years). I am thankful that it is The Holidays once again, and life is better than ever.