Things That Amaze Me

So here's the deal. This morning my Awesome Man swore into the Air National Guard as an Airman 1st class, to be an Aerospace Medical Technician. This was a huge leap for him, sort of a laying down of the dream of the fire job (for the moment) and picking up something slightly unpredictable, a little scary, but potentially completely Rad. Of course he should be used to this type of undertaking since he did marry me... I haven't said much about it because I wanted to be sure that it actually happened. Mostly because I got thisclose to swearing in and chickened out, and until the hand is raised and the oath is chanted, there's always the chance to back out. But he didn't. He swore in. He followed through, he's doing it. He landed himself an awesome position which he is technically WAY overqualified for that sets him up right off as an E3 (which is better than an E1) and secured a big sign on bonus, as well as insurance for me so I can finally get this dad-blasted uterus gone. For somebody like Josh, relinquishing part of his life to the monster of the military is a pretty huge thing. For anybody it is, but especially for the man who has operated completely independently since he was 14 years old. Now he gets to ship out with a bunch of young punks and get yelled at and have his ketchup rationed and suffer all kinds of other atrocities, just so I can be taken care of. If that ain't love, I am not sure what is. That being said, I have to admit, more than worry for him I am entirely jealous of the adventure he is setting out on, and curse my choice 8 years ago when I was rightthere, ready to go. I know, it's petty and silly and selfish, but in all seriousness, if you don't know me well enough to know that (especially when I am feeling good) I would much rather be doing push ups and belly crawls and range shooting than folding sweaters, then we should probably hang out more. And he might get to travel! For free! Actually for PAY even, which is as cool as getting paid to travel for fire work, but more global. I am seriously excited about the free standby travel we can access and plan to make the absolute most of that.  Along with every other military benefit they've ever invented. In fact, we will get to utilize the Disney discounts not once but TWICE this year of magic since Aspen has to go to Anaheim to dance at the Irish Dance National Competitions, and then in October we have a trip to Walt Disney World with a good majority of the extended Stecker clan, wherein all military benefits will be exploited to the enth degree. Right Gabe? This year is gonna be fun. Except the part where Josh is gone for several weeks. We're hoping he'll get most of his tech school waived since his paramedic degree is well beyond the EMT basic class he would be going through, but that's not set in stone. If not, he'll be gone for like 7 months. Seven. The number of god. Not very godlike, if you ask me, making me be a single mom again for 7 months when I finally found my rescuer? I am sure it will be hard for Josh too, being told exactly what to wear, what to eat, how to talk, every day. Actually that sounds heavenly. No cooking, no fashion stress, no options, just do it. And here I will be, all alone, the sole adult responsible for designing dinners, wardrobes and verbal communication for a family of 6-1. :( Can't I join to? When will they have the husband-wife enlistment option? I hear the military is considering drafting females at some point. At the risk of igniting controversy, I think this is a worldwide tradition in many nations that should be implemented here. Women were not built for war, in my highly undereducated opinion, but there are many facets of war and domestic defense that women are crucial to, and the military poses thorough enough psychological, physical and intelligence exams that those who are unfit to serve would not make it through the recruitment process. I feel like these things sort themselves out with a little common sense. I am strongly encouraging any or all of my girls to enlist. I feel like we, as a culture, men and women, are so out of touch with what is going on out there that even if there weren't great benefits for serving there is still some exposure to the global/political environment. Plus they could learn how to swear better. Just kidding, mom!

I realize I am totally rambling. This is due to several things: I am attempting to distract myself from a lot of pain, I am having difficulty following a complete thought path so I overcompensate with many words, and I have been putting off saying a lot stuff for several days.

Speaking of complete thought paths... Josh has decided that I am completely mentally unreliable these days, either because of the drugs or the pain or both. I have tried extensively to argue with him, but I usually forget what I am saying half way through. I am really frustrated when I find myself mid sentence and cannot for the life of me regain whatever it was I was saying. Would Ginseng help? Or Fish Oil or something else gross? I am really looking forward to purging my system of all of these chemicals and becoming sound of mind and body someday soon. I was talking with Shonda about the idea of being pain free eventually and I haven't been able to stop fantasizing about it since. I think the first thing I will do is just go running. Like Forest Gump. Maybe I won't stop for a long time. Just because I don't have to. Until I run out of breath at the end of the block. Finding myself limited was ok at first, it's kind of nice to have an excuse for a break. Any body who has kids or a job or a husband or a life or anything understands this concept. But after a while, when the limitations don't go away, and you come to terms with the fact that your aren't actually faking, even though at first you felt guilty because you thought you might be and you should just push through the pain, the limitations get pretty old. I am pretty much over being on the couch because I really need to be. I want to be on the couch simply because I WANT to be on the couch, not because it hurts to sit on a barstool for happy hour, or walk to Cuppa Yo for some Cable Car Chocolate, or practice Irish Dance in the kitchen with Aspen (which, by the way, I did anyway!). It's time to be moving again. To be compelled by the guilt that there is ALWAYS something that I should be doing and the couch can not interfere with the multi-tasking genius that I am, normally.

The other thing I have been thinking about a lot lately is guilt. Just like the kind that drives me off the couch and the kind that makes me go to work and the kind that says no matter how much pain you are in it's nobody else's fault so you MUST perform your duties. Even though I would like to maintain that I have moved on from this haunting evil, but I realize that I actually haven't. I operate in a crap-ton of guilt. Pretty much all of the time. I have guilt about work and what I am not doing right, or what I could do better, or how I should try harder to make more money for the family because I am letting everybody down, or how the dinner I made isn't healthy enough, or how I shouldn't have bought Jelly Bellies at Costco even though they were only $10. I feel bad that I am not taking better care of my kids, that I have spoiled my kids, that I am not making my husband as happy as I should. Then I have guilt for having no standards and putting up with crap when I try hard to make my kids and husband super happy. I have guilt for not really liking church and guilt for not wanting to go more, I have guilt for going to church and living in sin (like that heathen dancing I was doing two weeks ago at Mavericks). I feel guilty for eating junk food and eating good food and usually just eating at all because I am fat. I feel guilty for getting fat, for getting sick for not taking care of myself, but I feel guilty for taking care of myself because that is selfish. There is no rationality or sensibility to any of this, it is all absurd and completely unjustified. Other than my husband, I can't think of anybody that is consistently irritated with me or just doesn't like me, and sometimes even he likes me if I am super nice to him. I am working on that. Someday maybe I will have less guilt. But the more I sit around in pain, the more I tend to dwell on it. It's a bad habit and it needs to be kicked. Maybe that will be my next 33 day challenge. No guilt for anything. I can't even imagine. Maybe I am addicted to guilt? I know all you kids that grew up in similar or parallel worlds to me can relate. What are your solutions? How do you overcome? I usually try to work harder, sacrifice more, basically buy indulgences. That is the system I have subscribed to. And now that I am laid up, it's not working out very well. I feel like somebody should buy me flowers so I stop feeling guilty. Not that that makes any sense, but somehow it feels like it would help. Or maybe my brain just skipped to a whole different conversation that I haven't even had yet.... lord help us.

Comments

  1. You've got to forgive yourself for being human, Love yourself for who you are, and realize that you and everyone around you thinks you're pretty awesome. Anyone who has a collection of Baldies nearing monolithic is doing alright. We were brought up in the " not good enough" guilt bullshit. Not by our families...we are some of the lucky ones...but by good old fashioned christian guilt. Born in sin, gotta be saved to be worth a damn, ask for repentance, save me jebus, honky guilt.
    But the fact is we're good folks, hard working, family oriented, and kind. The guilt just starts a really unhealthy loop the feeds into justifying the things we love. If we dump the guilt and just do what we like to because we like to, we're off to a much better start.
    Keep up the rambling, it's great, and go buy yourself some flowers. Something wicked cool...Kat and I have built a decade on Stargazer Lilies...Take care Liv.
    Phil

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