Things To Come To Terms With

I'll admit I have been a little bit melancholy lately. I put on a brave face and say really ridiculous things out loud to cover the shades of sadness that threaten my sunshiny days. Because really, nothing is that bad. And we have so much to be thankful for, to be weighed down by the silly, unimportant things is a waste of a very short life. But maybe sometimes getting all of the gloomy things out of your head and into the heads of other people helps to disperse the burden. "I'd give all my pain to you..." Something like that. Yes, this morning I began listening to TAB. Real TAB. Old school, not on the radio, heavy on the banjo TAB. And I think about things that I can't change. Things like:

My dog eats flip flops. Even my favorite flip flops. And judging by the taste of the kisses she just gave me, she eats poop as well. Now I probably have worms.

Seth Avett is no longer married to his January Wedding bride. Somehow if an Avett brother gets divorced it's way sadder than your average Joe divorce. Maybe he should've worked that 9-5 for her. I feel like this makes Scott sad, because at least for the moment, my illusion has shifted it's entire weight to Scott's somewhat slight shoulders, and he needs to be dedicated enough for all of us. I just want his life to be true. It gives me hope.

The cream in my refrigerator is curdled.

I gained 5 pounds last week.

I can't be with my Favorite Boy Every Minute of the Day, Every Day of the Month, Every Month of the Year. We're apart about 95% more than I would like to be.

My pain is getting worse.

I still can't speak Russian.

I need to apply myself to something.

It's all so overwhelming that just getting it out there makes me want to take a nap. But napping is not going to solve all the world's problems, unlike sitting here and hashing through them on my keyboard as though I was typing out a prescription for world peace and happiness.

Really, all of the things wrong in the world are so subjective. It's sad to me that I have curdled cream in my refrigerator, more so than the disappointment of the Disney enthusiast that missed a fast pass window for Indiana Jones. But how does a two hour wait for a ride, or chunky coffee, equate to a child in another world who goes without water today, or is sold for sexual uses to the highest bidder, or burdened with feeding 5 younger siblings and sick parents. What's profoundly amazing to me is that the people suffering in these worlds have known little else, and the relative scale of their suffering is based only on their own experience. That's what struck me so profoundly in Uganda - the unmarred happiness of children who had no idea that they were suffering. We know they are suffering. For heaven's sake, most of them have been deprived of any knowledge of Disneyland, much less visited it. We know that they should have 3.2 liters of clean spring water to drink a day. That they should have a warm shower and shoes on their feet. We know that they shouldn't deal with hearing loss from chronic and easily treated ear infections, or daily pain from easily remedied illnesses. But they have never known anything else. There is no way to equate our worlds. None. But I am not entirely convinced that we are the ones that are better off. Healthier, yes. Fatter, yes. More comfortable, I suppose, but we are so Keenly Aware of our own comfort that it is never enough. So intent on our own gratification that we never taste gratification. There is always more that we can have, do, feel. That is why we are driven. And why they are content with so little. They have nothing to be sad about because they don't know what they are missing. They don't have addictive un-necessities rubbed in their faces on TV 24/7, and even at school, on their phones, their computers - because they don't have them. They don't send a text to tell someone they care. They walk 17 miles barefoot to communicate the message.

Why I am rambling incoherently today is beyond me. I think after a few days in California, my resolve to have less, do less and to be more is steeled. I never want commercial television in my home. I don't want my kids on the internet if they aren't gaining purposeful knowledge and expanding themselves positively as humans, which doesn't involve gaming skills or adding Facebook Friends. I am the guiltiest of all sinners in this spoiled culture. I have eaten greedily from the fat hand. I like to be comfortable, to have pretty things around me that I like. To be noticed and admired...  Humans are complex animals. We have so much to learn, and unlearn, to make the most of this brief space in time we occupy. I think that the realization that I have everything that I could want, everything imaginable to make me comfortable and happy, but I am still in A LOT of pain every day it makes me rethink the "value" of things that we have pursued. I can't escape the physical hurt any more than one of those kids in Uganda that can't get an antibiotic. At least I have hope that I will someday...  And them? I think I need a nap from all of this.

I went on a search for something real...


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