Things That I Should Explain - FAQs

OK folks, here it is:

Josh and I are separated. As in, living separately, in different places. Not together. No longer a family unit.

To avoid as many awkward conversations and inquisitions and reprimands as possible, I now present for you, the …


1)   But, WHY? You are so perfect for each other! You love each other so much!

Yes. We do love each other. Or at least I would like to think so, in our own imperfect ways. And if you really believed that we were perfect together, and blissfully happy, and so much in love, then: GOOD JOB US! We worked hard to contain our drama and keep it from slopping out all over everybody. But it was messy, and it was ugly. And for every public proclamation there were a thousand fights. All of our perfect fits were also our potential competitions. Our mutual brokenness left us unable to heal each other. But considering we made it three years together, and considering that we’re both highly opinionated, highly intelligent and unbelievably stubborn, and considering that three years is a long time to live with anybody, I’d say we gave it a good go. There aren’t too many people in this world that I could live with for three years and not kill or be killed. But three years seems to be enough.

2)   But you can work through it, right? Get help! Get Counseling!

We did. We’ve been to a couple different counselors, along with family and friends helping us sort through some of our issues, and guys, there are a LOT of issues. All of the big ones. Money, Kids, Jobs, Moving, On and On and On. And we never ever seemed to find ourselves on the same side of any issue.

After several months, or maybe years, of failed and increasingly contentious dialogue, it’s time to call it.

3)   Whose fault is it?

Both of ours. We both messed up. We both failed. Lord willing, we will both grow and learn from this.  

For all of our good intentions, neither of us could fix this one.

4)   Who’s idea was it?

I guess I will have to take credit for that one. I just couldn’t see going on any further, wasting any more years, hurting and destroying each other. All six of us were suffering. It was unhealthy, and it was getting worse every day.

5)   Is there no hope? Is there anything we can do?

As long as there is breath, there is hope. Right now, my hope is for us to learn to communicate kindly with each other, married or unmarried. And if you want to do something, we are always welcoming prayers. Pray for the Best Thing for all six of us. Pray for grace and kindness between us.

6)   What did you do wrong?

I guess this is the question I ask myself every day. And I did a lot of things wrong. I didn’t give Josh the respect that he so desperately needed. I was defensive. I was selfish. I was independent and stubborn.  And if I quit doing, or start doing, all of those things, I think we are past the point of it helping. And it has to be a two way street. Because nothing says DANGER like a one-way street and a semi-truck of emotion careening recklessly out of control.

7)   Will you still be friends? Do you talk?

YES. It is my fervent hope that we will be friends always. It is my belief that we have given each other years of our lives and if at all possible we should remain in contact. I understand this isn’t always a reality, but I would like for it to be, eventually. Plus he’s kind of a big deal to the kids. And they would miss him a lot if he just disappeared.

Of course, all of this is one sided, and please don’t hesitate to get his two cents on the situation. I care deeply about Josh. He has been a big part of us. But we can’t go on like we have. So here we are, and it sucks. For all 6 of us. I had a heart to heart with my kids and I saw how much it hurts them. And I don’t have the words to say how sorry I am for that hurt. To them, To him. To me. I am sorry that we couldn’t fix it, and that we couldn’t fake it anymore.

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