Things About Being Bulletproof

There's this trendy thing going around out there called "bulletproof coffee". I heard about it from one of my few cool friends who knows about trendy things, even if the trend is probably already like 6 years old. Not being one to allow an outdated trend to pass me by, I jumped on the bandwagon and started making bulletproof coffee, without even knowing what the trend was about, or why the coffee was bulletproof, or what made it bulletproof, etc, etc, etc.

So I made my first cup, just to be cool, by blending a couple tablespoons coconut oil, a couple tablespoons of Kerry Gold butter (I was told that this was a prerequisite to being cool) and hot coffee, in my awesome Magic Bullet Ninja™ til I had a big frothy mug of surprising deliciousness.

Then I went to work.

Then I researched it, because researching "why drink bulletproof coffee" is much more interesting and less headachy than researching "what is a quadrangle", and I needed to look like I was very busy so the geometry students wouldn't ask any more questions.

Turns out, Bulletproof® Coffee is a craze started by one David Asprey, after a trip to Tibet where they drank tea with yak butter and hiked all day. Being an American®, Dave came home and put his own twist on it - specially formulated coffee beans lacking some hideous chemical that is only available through his website, some oil with a weird name I can't remember (also available only on his website) and unsalted Kerrygold® grass-fed butter. My cool friend told me I could use coconut oil instead of the weird oil, and I used my old go-to Kirkland Rainforest® Organic Coffee Beans, complete with hideous chemical. The idea behind the thing is that it offers a low-glycemic, high energy, healthy fat alternative to breakfast, since apparently croissants and Captain Crunch® are bad for you. (WHO KNEW???) A lot of the paleo junkies are all over it and it has gotten some great reviews from people who don't believe in food or fun or love. (also, can you tell that I just found the ® on my keyboard?)

I believe in all of those things, as well as Captain Crunch, and since I did my research AFTER I made my first cup I had no idea I was supposed to not eat breakfast, which I did, and heartily so. Anyway I read a lot of articles about how awesome Bulletproof Coffee was because now people didn't have to be bothered with the grueling task of eating breakfast (pun intended), and alternately how stupid Bulletproof Coffee was because really it's an expensive excuse to drink a lot of calories and sound cool at work. In these articles I read about fancy coffee making machines that I had to Google because I had never heard of them, but now want really bad, and I read about glycemic levels and people crashing and stuff like that, but mostly, I just like how the high-calorie coffee tastes. Especially with a big breakfast. And I sound cool at work.

So I decided I am going to give it a couple weeks and see if A) I get way fatter B) I have WAY more energy C) it cures hangovers and D) If anyone thinks I am super trendy and cool and asks me out for Valentines day because of my coffee being Bulletproof. I will get back to you on all of those things. But I am still eating breakfast, because if I don't, the kids in my class start to look like two-headed demons that need to be destroyed by about 10:17 AM.

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