I went to the doctor yesterday. He said I get lightheaded and nearly pass out all the time because my blood pressure is too good. Apparently it's a thing.
So my doctor asked me what I thought I could do to bring my blood pressure up:
"Gain more weight? I'm good at that."
"Eat more fat."
"Add more stress to my life?"
"Drink more alcohol? Also a skill I possess."
We spent a moment of awkward, accountability filled silence when we were both thinking that in addition to being an EMT, I'm also a mildly-intelligent person capable of logical thought. But my blood pressure was really low so it was hard to think of the right answers.
"How about more fluids." My doctor offered benevolently.
"Like beer? It's mostly water."
At this point he cradled his head in his hands and either laughed or sobbed quietly. I'm not sure which. Then he suggested doing more cardio vascular exercises to increase my cardio muscle reaction time. He suggested running, biking, or whatever I liked to do.
I said I liked to sit on the couch and eat. Preferably cheesy garlic bread.
I think he gave up then, giving me a "you know better" look behind his tears of mirth.
This particular doctor has taken care of my family since before my youngest sister was born, so it wouldn't shock me to find out that my mom got a concerned phone call - or perhaps one congratulating her on her wild success in rearing a world class comedienne.
The doctor also wanted to know, out of all of my plethora of activities, which I was enjoying. I stared at him blankly for a moment as the realization that I could be having FUN doing some things dawned on me. Then I blurted out "snowboarding". Because in my 14 hour days, the two times I went snowboarding (to be more accurate we should call it snowfalling) this winter stand out as FUN.
Nevermind the whiplash. Nevermind the mildly sprained ankle which may have been throbbing when the good doctor asked. Nevermind the mortally wounded pride from the disastrous yardsale that was every. Single. chairlift dismount in front of lift operators who were recruited straight from Australia's Hunks Of 2015 Calendar. Snowboarding was FUN. The best. My favorite.
If he hadn't put me on the spot so suddenly, asking all those hard questions I would have probably answered that the thing I enjoy the most is drinking beer and eating cheesy bread with my friends while we solve all the world's problems. #expertlevel
Anyway it's nice to be passing out because I'm so healthy. I'm gonna go ahead and credit that to all of the healthy beer I am so famous for drinking. And the weight that clearly doesn't want to be lost.